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| Time: | 7:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | nothing. |
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I. Give. Up.
On. Everything.
I can't pretend it's all okay.
It's never going to be.
Ever. Again.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. | | Music: | Burnout - Green Day. |
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Yesterday:Probably the best day with Benji ever was ruined so fast. On Friday he convinced me to skip the whole day at school. It was nice to be with just him and everything and of course what he does to me I didn’t even think about the shit my dad would do to me. So anyways I was walking home from baseball practice and he’s standing on the front porch with the most disappointed/pissed off look on his face ever.
I hung my head and walked past him inside and I could feel his eyes on me. He just shook his head and told me to get into my room and that I’d better be in nothing but my boxers when he gets up there. So I walk up the stairs as he goes into the kitchen and I know exactly what’s coming.
He’s gonna cut me.
And he did. All on my stomach. Every cut had a reason. Even if the reason needed to be repeated.
“The water stains on the carpet lead to your room Joel. It has to be your fault,”
“You fucking skipped school” –that one rewarded me with two.
“You didn’t do your chores”
And that’s just some of them.
Oh God I ached all over when he was done because he hit me as well. He never needs a reason to hit me.
I just wanted to fucking die… just to bleed to death… but no that’s not an option.
Because as long as I still have Benji my life is worth living.
And I had a date with him tomorrow!
Today:It was so… I dunno I don’t want to say perfect. But oddly it was.
We went to the movies to see Constantine. Maybe actually watch it. Ha. We took our seat up front because I like sitting in the front because I’m short and I hate when tall people sit in front of me. It always happens if I don’t sit up in front. It’s a curse on short people I tell you!
Shut up Joel you’re rambling again.
Anyways. There were these two kids throwing popcorn at us. Benji just turned around and probably gave him the evilest glare ever because they both immediately sat down and stopped. Who lets ten year olds in R rated movies anyways? I never got that.
Just like I thought we didn’t watch the movie and just ended up making out through most of it. Well until some stupid usher shined his flashlight on us and very rudely said, “we don’t like your kind in here so get out”
Benji got pretty pissed off about it. But he didn’t make too big of a scene.
So we just got pizza instead. We just ended up talking and holding hands. Stealing a kiss here and there. It was fairly normal until I reached over the table to get the parmesan cheese [I never had the best table manners] and my shirt lifted up and I guess Benji saw my stomach where my dad cut me because he was just staring at me so I asked him what was wrong and he’s all “Joel… what happened to your stomach,” and I don’t really want to tell him because I don’t want to ruin dinner –even though I already did- but I already promised I’d tell him anything that is going on between me and my dad. So I tell him my dad did it. And then I just keep going on and on about if I do something terribly wrong I’ll get cut for it. And then I dunno I just felt like I had to tell him the worst of it. But it would be better I was in his arms because you know it’s hard for me. So anyways I got up and sat next to him in the booth and he wrapped his arm around me because he knows it makes me feel safe and shit. I just let it all go and told him “one time he cut me so bad and I had to be hospitalized and everyone thought it was attempted suicide but I knew damn well…” then I just trailed off and he finished my sentence with “attempted murder” and I just looked up at him and nodded. And then he looked away and I knew I had upset him by telling him this so I reached up and cupped his chin making him look at me and I wiped the tears away and said it was okay its all over now and he just looks down.
And I feel horrible so I went into my whole “I shouldn’t have told you” speech.
And then we kinda of left because neither of us were in the mood to eat anymore. So we went down to the baseball field and made out.
I love kissing him. His kisses just make everything better.
And then I had to go home. And he really didn’t want me to but I had to. If I didn’t show up it would just be hell so of course he understood and kissed me one last time before I went home.
And yea. That’s it.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 7:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. | | Music: | All That I've Got - The Used. |
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This is gonna be a long one...
A LOT happened yesterday. So lets get started shall we?
I was talking to Benji last night. It was late... like one. We were talking about all the shit my dad does to me and I just got kind of overwhelmed and broke down begging him to come hold me.
Thank God he did, because if not I probably wouldn’t be typing this out right now.
So I went outside to wait for him. I just didn’t want any noise to wake my dad. Anyways he was there pretty quick. And he brought pasta! [I told him I was hungry] but too bad I lost my appetite.
First thing he did was hug me. He smelt so good and shit he was holding me like if he let go I’d fall and die. He’s just so caring I don’t deserve him AT ALL. But it was cold and we were both shaking so he helped me inside and up the stairs to my room.
I’m telling him everything. Some of it’s easier than others but I’m getting through it. It feels good to finally tell someone. But shit. One thing. One horrible memory and I lost it. I can’t even tell you because it just hurts so much to think about what he did to me. Shit anyways I just got really upset and ended up puking. Benji just sat there like it was no big deal and rubbed my back. When I finally calmed down he pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head! HIS LIPS WERE ON ME!!!11 … Shut up…
Then Benji got really mad and was so close to just beating the shit out of him. He can’t do that. I know what my dad can do… Benji doesn’t think he would hurt him but he has no idea what he can do…
I was seriously begging him not to do it. He said he wouldn’t but he was so tense. He needed to calm down and the only way I could do that was hug him. So I did and I felt him relax in my arms.
Then when I finally fell asleep I had the WORST nightmare ever. It felt so real to. Benji and I had fallen asleep in each other’s arms. And in the morning I woke up and he was smiling at me and he kissed me! [I hate dreams…] but it felt so fucking real. And then he told me he was sorry that my dad does that to me. Of course my dad had come in and heard Benji. He went nuts… I had a dream my father raped my best friend… it just felt so fucking real. I just know that’s what WILL happen if he ever finds out. And whenever I try to tell Benj he never lets me finish. He thinks he’s like invincible against him…
So I finally woke up from that horribleness and freaked out because Benji wasn’t there. Totally panicking that my dream was becoming reality. But then I realized my dad would of ended up doing some shit to me. So I calmed down and quickly got ready for school wanting to see Benji before class… not like he’d be there early anyways but ya know.
So anyways I’m on my way to school and who do I see sitting on the curb in front of me? That’s right Benji. His knees were pulled to his chest and his head was down. Poor thing was probably so tired. I sat down next to him on the curb and he didn’t move so I pulled him into a hug and thanked him for staying with me last night. He looked up and me and gave me this soft smile. My. Heart. Melted. He’s just so perfect and everything about him I love.
So on the way to school he asked me if I was OK and I told him I was. But other then that we were rather quiet. I mean what do you really say after a night like that? Because I really don’t know.
English was English. I’m still not done with my paper and its due Friday. Whatever…
Then in History he asked me again if I was OK. And everyone’s like “ABOUT WHAT?!??!” Nosey fucks. He shut his mouth and I never answered him. But I’m sure he knew I was fine.
Lunch was so awkward. He was quiet but it’s not like he ever talks but I was quiet too [that happens once in a blue moon] and Colleen and everyone was staring at me like “what the fuck is wrong Joel your never THIS quiet!”
Sciences was the slowest class ever.
And then I thought PE was gonna suck too because I was sure Benji wasn’t going to be there. But he was.
I am way too clingy.
And then after school we went over to his house. His room… it definitely reflects his personality in a way. It was nice. We just listened to music and talked and shit time went by so fast.
I was late for the pre game warm ups. Coach was pissed and almost took my start away. But I still got to pitch and I was so nervous. I never really get nervous anymore but with Benji there and everything. I needed to impress him so yeah. It was a bumpy first. I walked the bases loaded with no outs but I managed to work out of without giving up anything. Then from the second on I settled in and it was smooth sailing from there. The offense kept my back and scored a bunch of runs for me and I held the opponent to nothing over seven.
But Benji still needs to be the water boy. I want someone to talk to in between innings… The rest of the team doesn’t talk to me, something about throwing off my concentration.
Then after the game Benji congratulated me about my seven innings of shut out ball and then offered to walk me home.
Of course I said yes. So we walked home. My dad’s car wasn’t in the drive when we got there so I think it was safe for me to go in and everything. So I told Benji I’d be all right and he just kind of stood there. So I hugged him real tight one last time and thanked him for everything he’s done for me.
He’s way too good to me.
I have to repay him somehow. He keeps telling me how shitty his guitar is so maybe I’ll buy him a new one or something to say thanks.
Okay this was wayyy long.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 11:03 pm. |
| Mood: | indescribable. |
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Benji is coming over.
Kid cares to much about me.
I love him.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 4:50 pm. |
| Mood: | loved. |
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Benji is the best thing to ever happen to me.
Simple as that.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. |
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Things have seemed to gone from good to bad in seconds flat the last couple of days.
Fuck.
Well Benji came back over and we played together again. It's just, wow. I love what I have with him. I swear nothing else in the world matters when I'm with him. And that includes the busted statue downstairs and that my father would be coming home soon.
Yeah. So he came in with the statue on one of his ramages. Fucking yelling and everything. Hello dad. Don't be an ass when someone is here. Benji of all people. So yeah he made Benji leave. Okay yelled at him and told him to get the fuck out of his house.
Then the second Benji left the room and he heard the door shut. SMACK! His hand made contact with my face. I have a nice red handprint now. Along with other brusies on my torso. Just as the other ones were beginning to go away.
Fuck I hate him.
Then like a half an hour later Sarah came into my room crying telling me she heard it all and narrowly missed dad taking it out on her too. I can take it but fuck he shouldn't be hitting her. That's not right.
We talked for like an hour straight about how much we hated him and just cussing him out behind closed doors. I also said I didn't want to go back to school tomorrow because if Benji saw the bruise I know he'd fucking flip. Sarah said she'd put cover up on it. I don't care as long as its not visible. He doesn't need to worry and shit about me. I've dealt with this pretty much my whole life. It's nothing new.
Whatever. I'm going to go lay down with ice on my face so the swelling goes down.
Bye.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:11 am. |
| Mood: |  exhausted. | | Music: | Warning - Green Day =). |
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Okay. Update here we go.
The beginning was like perfect. Benji came around like six-ish. So then I took him up to my room. He seemed kinda stunned the second he walked in there with my trophies and ribbons and shit. Now believe me dammit when I say I’m getting drafted from high school… okay kind of cocky but whatever.
Then I made the mistake of showing him my baseball pictures. Kid would not stop laughing. Jesus Christ. I think he enjoys every second of making fun of me and my tight baseball pants. Whatever suits him I guess.
He got me The Cure CD. Which he didn't have to do...
Then we played Warning by Green Day. Well he played I sung. Good guitarist he is. I mean REALLY good.
Then he had to go embarrass the shit out of me and sing&play Happy Birthday. Holy shit I could feel my cheeks burn but it was nice and I thanked&hugged him for it. Ah body contact. I’m lame I know.
Then he helped me set everything up and stuff.
But once the party started I kinda neglected him. I felt bad about it at first but everyone was focused on me and it was like what I’ve always wanted.
I guess I drank a little too much because then the next thing I remember was waking up in my bed. Umm okay.
So then I go down stairs and Benji is cleaning up. My heart sank. He didn’t have to do that.
Nor did he have to show me the broken statue. It fucking scared the crap out of me because that thing is like expensive and important to my dad. And now it was broken and knowing my dad having my head would suffice for it breaking it.
Anyways I didn’t really think about it because I was scared because knowing my dad… I just lost it and blamed Benji for it. Like fucking yelled at him. He said it wasn’t his fault but no way was that going to make me believe him, well not when I was that enraged/still a little intoxicated.
Then that really pissed him off and he just left. But everything has worked itself out. For now anyways.
Left his guitar too. But now he has a reason to come back!
Okay I’m about to fall asleep now. Night you all.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 8:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana. |
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Well lets start from the beginning.
I slept in late because I already knew I was going to be staying home. I get to every year on my birthday. I feel kind of bad for not telling Benji I wouldn't be at school before hand but opps. Oh well too late now.
Sarah came barging in my room around 10 singing Happy Birthday. Umm excuse me little Miss Sunshine I would like my sleep. After she left I couldn't get back to sleep so I began getting ready for this "fun" day.
When did the fun actually begin? Jesus. It was me, my dad, Sarah, my Aunt&Uncle and their daughter Olivia and son Spencer, my other Aunt&Uncle and their daughter Hailee (who is like a Mini Sarah shit shes SO annoying) and my Grandmom and Grandpop. They all just sat around and relived like every moment of my 17 years on this planet. I just sat there and pretended to pay attention. Nodding occasionally when they said "Oh Joel! Do you remember when..."
Thank god for baseball practice. It saved me. Even if I didn't want to go get yelled at more by coach. Who was actually in an okay mood for once. But I'm pitching our next game. Which is Tuesday. Benji said he'd come. I'd like to see that.
Then I came home totally skipped out on going back into the living room. Especially after hearing Spencer moan "Mom dont tell them that! It's embaressing!"
So I came on the computer. Talked to Benji and all of you. Only leaving when I was summonded for cake and to be "social because you never know. they could all die tomorrow" Uh huh. Right dad.
Overall today pretty much sucked. Tomorrow better be better. Sarah&Dad promised to leave for the night. Woo I am so excited. XD
So anyways, everyone is finally gone and Sarah&Dad are cleaning up. I should go help but I'm the brithday boy and shouldn't have to ^_^
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 11:49 am. |
| Mood: |  pleased. |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
I get to stay home today. =D
Well it would be better if my Dad and Sarah don't have a day full of "fun and excitement" planned because I know it will suck.
Oh well, I am having my party tomorrow and Benji said he's coming.
It will be fun. But now I must go.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:47 pm. |
| Mood: | crappy. |
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I have the worst headache in the world. I would tell you with extreme detail everything that happened at school including lunch with Benji but even the sound of me typing is making my head pound. So maybe some other time.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 5:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | TV. |
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Shit that was close.
I was talking to Benji.
I almost let it slip.
I almost let him know how hard and fast I'm falling for him.
And I don't know why! I barely know the kid. And a guy. I've never liked a guy more than a friend. Let alone a guy that I've only known for three days. What the hell is wrong with me? Honestly...
I HATE MYSELF!
Goodbye.
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:47 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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Today started out horrible.
Benji was a total ass and said we'd do the report thing later. I wanted to get it done but I'm not going to do it myself so I'll wait til he's good and ready.
Then the rest of the day was the same old thing.
What else... I stayed after school with Colleen for some Japanese class. It was okay but I wont be doing it again.
Then after school I talked to Benji on AIM. He's not as bad as I thought. I actually kinda like the kid. Said he could sit with me and Colleen tomorrow and invited him to my birthday parteh!
Well that's it. I better go before I get a royal ass whooping from my father.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 5:34 pm. |
| Mood: | pissed off. | | Music: | JAR - Green Day. |
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Nope don't like Benji.
Kid pisses me off.
Maybe not.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 7:52 pm. |
| Mood: | crappy. | | Music: | Burnout - Green Day. |
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Guess who slept in too late today and was almost late for school? Yeah kiddies I was. I just made it. Seriously. Second I stepped into class the tardy bell rang. I got a weird look from Mr. Gorman. That "you're the good kid so why were you almost late for class?" kind of look.
I wish I missed out that whole period though. I love English so much but that class, can you say BORING?! That Benji kid got detention. Serves him right for not paying attention in class. And guess what? I get to be his partner for some projecty thing. I'll probably end up doing the whole thing. Asshole.
History can kiss my ass. It. Is. Pointless.
Lunch was odd today. I don't think Colleen took her meds. Like she ever does but man she's crazy. She was drawing fucking rainbows on everything. She says shes going to do it from now on. Sumbliminal messaging. Creepy. Benji is sitting by himself still at lunch. I should be nice and invite him to sit with us but I don't think I will. Colleen will first I'm sure. Girl loves his hair. Loves gay men. Which I think she convinced herself he is.
I fell asleep in Science. What a mistake. Mr. Duaray slammed a yard stick on my desk. Freaked me out. I fell out of my chair. I have never been so embarassed.
Gym was gym. We're running. Just what I wanted to do after practice which I wont even go into again.
Woohoo.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 8:51 pm. |
| Mood: | aggravated. | | Music: | Sarah bitching&the TV. |
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Oh just wonderful, it’s Monday. Well okay, I’m not so upset about that but it was today’s events.
See there is this new kid at school, Benji I think is his name. What in God’s name kind of name is Benji? Honestly.
I hate when new kids come to our school because all day it’s the same thing,
“Did you see the new kid?”
“He’s really hot,”
“His hair has a fuckin’ pink patch in it!”
“His name is Benji! Like the dog!” –bet he’s never heard THAT one before. People at this school amaze me with their originality sometimes.
He’s in three of my classes. English, History, and Gym. Not in sciences though. Kids probably not smart enough for the AP class. Ha. Oh well Dr. Dre Mr. Dauray is too cool for him anyways.
Baseball practice was seriously like hell today. Lord. Coach was so pissed about the game yesterday.
Okay so it wasn’t are best. And sure we gave up a lot of runs. And alright we had three errors as a group.
IT WAS AN OFF NIGHT!
He didn’t have to make us run the track the first 30 minutes of practice.
I’m so sore.
Well Sarah is being a bitch. She wants on like now. I better let her on before dad comes in and starts kicking ass.
So I’m gonna go lock myself in my room and blast Green Day or something…
BYE.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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